When Putting Yourself Last Finally Catches Up: Why Your Wellness Can't Wait

If I had a dollar for every time a woman came to me saying, "Jen, I've put myself last for years. I've been raising kids, managing a career, running the household, caring for aging parents, and now my health is a mess. I don't even know where to start," I could probably buy a cute little cabin with an ocean view and still have enough leftover for all the coconut cream pies in the world.

Funny thing is, I probably wouldn't even eat those pies because I don't actually like coconut cream pie. But my husband didn't know that, which leads me to a story I'll share in a bit.

The reason I hear this same story over and over is because as women, we are incredibly good at caring for everyone else. It's in our bones, our DNA. We think about how every decision will affect the people we love. We step in, serve, and make sure things are handled. And honestly, I love that about us. But there's a point where that beautiful strength starts to cost us something significant.

The Hidden Cost of Always Being the Caregiver

Serving the people I love is a true pleasure. I love being able to care for my home, have a career, raise my kids, and show up for my parents. But research shows fascinating differences between how men and women approach decisions that illustrate this challenge perfectly.

Picture this: A husband comes home excited about a work opportunity abroad in a country they've always wanted to visit. He's thinking about what an amazing trip it would be and can't understand why his wife isn't immediately jumping at the chance.

Meanwhile, she's running through her mental checklist: "Our daughter starts college that week and needs support moving into her dorm. Mom has that doctor's appointment I scheduled, and I want to be there to ask the right questions. We need to find a good kennel for the dogs and someone to watch the house and garden."

He's thinking about the opportunity. She's considering how this one decision affects everyone around them. This emotional intelligence is actually a superpower, but problems arise when we completely erase ourselves from the equation.

The insight: Our desire to care for others is amazing until we stop caring for ourselves at the same time. Strengths overused become our weaknesses.

When People Pleasing Becomes Self-Betrayal

Recently, my own plate started to overflow, and as I began drawing boundaries, I had a realization I didn't love about myself. I had fallen back into old patterns of people pleasing, wanting to make everyone happy, saying yes when I was already exhausted.

This pattern defined my first marriage and left me empty, a shell of myself. I worked hard to change that, so when guilt and self-questioning started showing up as I drew boundaries, I knew this was a lesson learned but repeated. I could either stand my ground or slide back into that exhausted, hollow version of myself.

Here's my telling coconut cream pie story: A few years into my current marriage, my husband came home on my birthday with the biggest grin, carrying a coconut cream pie. He was so excited for me to have it, explaining how it was from his favorite place.

The year before, on his birthday, he'd gone on about how much he loved coconut cream pie from this particular bakery. I had enthusiastically agreed because it made him so happy. My enthusiasm was so convincing that he thought it was one of my favorites too. It's not even on my list of foods I enjoy.

The lesson: Sometimes we still slip into saying things that please others but don't reflect our truth. These small moments of self-betrayal add up over time.

Finding Balance Without Swinging Too Far

When we realize we've been putting ourselves last, there's temptation to swing the pendulum completely the other way. We go from "yes, yes, yes" to "no, absolutely not, forget it," becoming angry or bitter. That's not the point either.

The goal is honoring two truths that can coexist:

• I want to help and care for others (I love this about being a woman)

• I will not do it at the expense of my own sanity, rest, health, or balance

Both truths can exist simultaneously. There's healthy tension between them that we must navigate, like maintaining balance in a yoga pose where you're constantly making micro-adjustments to stay upright.

The key difference: Our reason for doing things matters enormously. If we're acting because we "have to" or "should," or because we fear being judged as selfish, that energy is heavy and draining. If we're serving from love because we want to and have created enough balance to have energy for it, the same action feels completely different.

Your Emotions Are Your Internal GPS

Your emotions tell you how well you're maintaining balance. They're not enemies but valuable clues about what needs to change:

Resentment signals that a boundary has been crossed and it's time to reassess. When you start feeling resentful about what was supposed to be one thing but kept expanding, you need to reset boundaries.

Overwhelm suggests too much on your plate. Time to delegate, delay, or delete something.

Guilt might mean you're honoring yourself for the first time and it feels foreign but not necessarily wrong. Or it could signal you've swung too far toward rigid "no's."

Fulfillment indicates you're giving from love, serving happily while still having enough left for yourself. This is alignment and balance.

Irritation often reveals that a "yes" you gave wasn't authentic and came from people-pleasing rather than genuine desire.

These emotions are clues, not problems to fix. They provide real-time feedback about whether your choices support your overall wellness.

5 Strategies for Reclaiming Your Balance

1. Listen to Your Emotional Dashboard

Think of emotions like warning lights in your car. Resentment, overwhelm, and irritation are signals on your dashboard that something needs attention before it gets worse.

2. Understand Your Why

Before taking on more, ask: "Why am I doing this?" Is it from love and choice, or obligation and fear of judgment? The energy you bring changes everything. We all have responsibilities, but if they consistently throw your life out of balance and deplete you completely, it's time for assessment.

3. Have the Hard Conversations

Boundaries aren't walls - they're doors you control. Sometimes you need to communicate clearly about what's no longer working. Focus on the root of your feelings rather than specific incidents. Say: "This is what I need, this is what I will do, and this is what I will no longer do. I love you and want what's best for both of us."

4. Delete, Delegate, or Delay

Not everything needs to be done by you, right now, in the exact way you've always done it. It's okay to free up space, hire help, let things go, or postpone tasks. When feeling overwhelmed, look at what could come off your plate.

5. Keep Readjusting and Stay Authentic

Balance isn't a one-time achievement. It shifts as you change, as your needs evolve, as responsibilities shift. What worked five years ago might not work now, and that's perfectly acceptable. It's your prerogative to make adjustments over time.

Why This Matters for Your Health

Many women find themselves at these crossroads in midlife. Kids are growing up, careers are shifting, and for the first time in years, you're asking "What do I want?" This is the perfect opportunity to start writing your next chapter.

When we let our health become last on the list for years, we find ourselves with no energy, not feeling good in our bodies, completely drained. But when we take care of our health, we have energy, strength, and vitality to live the way we want for decades to come.

Your health absolutely matters - not just for you, but for your joy, your relationships, and your future self. Taking care of yourself and others are two sides of the same coin. We just need to balance them.

Your Coconut Cream Pie Moment

Here's my question for you: What's your coconut cream pie? What are you saying yes to when you really mean no? You won't rewire these patterns overnight - even I still catch old familiar patterns trying to sneak back in despite years of work.

But every time you notice and make a different choice, you're rewiring those neural pathways a little bit more. As you keep adjusting, you'll find that sweet spot where you can serve the people you love and still protect the space you need for your own health, sanity, and happiness.

Because you matter too. The world needs you healthy, balanced, and showing up as your authentic self - not as a depleted version trying to be everything to everyone.

Ready to dive deeper into finding your balance? Listen to the full episode of Wellness Mastery with Jen Hoyer for more personal stories and practical strategies for putting yourself back on your priority list without losing your caring nature.

Listen to Episode 31: When Putting Yourself Last Catches Up