Every Behavior Comes From a Need
- jenniferhoyer77
- Jan 3
- 6 min read
There's a moment right before someone tells the truth. You can feel it in the pause they give, in the breath they take, in the way their voice softens or tightens. It's the moment where they're deciding: Is it safe to say this out loud? Will I be judged if I'm honest?
So often, we decide it's safer to stay quiet, to keep it hidden, to carry it alone. Today's episode is about that moment - what happens when we stay silent, and what becomes possible when we don't.
When Shame Keeps Us Stuck
This episode was inspired by two experiences. First, I'm wrapping up 2025 with a workshop in the Wellness Mastery Society called "The Things That Get in the Way," inspired by Brené Brown's teaching: knowing what to do was never the thing that helped people live the life they wanted. Knowing what to do is part of it, but understanding what gets in the way - that's where real change happens.
The second inspiration is deeply personal. My husband and I recently walked through a family crisis with someone we love. We had the opportunity to sit with them - not to fix or lecture, but to offer support and presence during an incredibly hard season.
What we learned: this struggle had been hidden for years. Years of carrying something heavy alone, years of believing "if anyone knew this about me, they would see me differently."
As we talked, we made something clear: There is no shame here. That struggle is part of being human, and needing help doesn't mean something's wrong with you or that you failed.
Eventually, after tears and conversation, this family member shared things they'd never told anyone. That kind of sharing is freeing - but it only happens when people feel safe, when judgment is removed.
Question for you: Is there something you've been carrying alone because you're afraid of judgment?
The Discipline Trap
At one point, this family member said, "I just need to be more disciplined." I hear this constantly - from clients, in our culture, in the way we talk to ourselves.
While discipline is a helpful skill we can build, it's not the answer to everything. Sometimes discipline helps. Sometimes discipline becomes a way we avoid looking deeper.
The truth: We don't change by being harsher with ourselves. We don't heal by shaming ourselves into submission. Human beings are naturally wired for growth, learning, and healing when the environment feels safe enough.
What keeps us stuck? A lack of curiosity, compassion, and understanding.
Another question: What have I been trying to fix in myself with discipline instead of understanding the root of the problem?
The Revelation That Changed Everything
I was listening to a podcast on my morning hike and heard this line: "Every behavior that keeps us stuck comes from deep and unmet needs."
I stopped completely, pulled out my phone, and took a note. I thought about this family member - the deep unmet need that prompted their behavior.
Every behavior that keeps us stuck comes from a deep and unmet need. Not moral failure. Not weakness. Not a character flaw. But needs.
Think about behaviors you judge yourself for. Maybe it's overeating, numbing with TV or alcohol, doom scrolling, shopping, or avoiding. What if those behaviors aren't proof that something's wrong with you, but signals pointing toward something you're missing?
For me, emotional eating peaked during a time when life felt overwhelming, out of control, and emotionally unsafe. It provided comfort. It served a purpose - until it didn't. We wouldn't keep doing these things if they didn't meet a need, even temporarily.
Reflection: What behavior is trying to meet a need, even if you haven't recognized it yet?
The Voice We'd Never Use With Others
Would you ever look at a child you love, a partner, or close friend and say what you say to yourself? "You're weak." "You should have figured this out by now." "You just lack discipline." Of course not. Yet that's often the voice we live with internally.
Going back to that family conversation - we could have easily said those things. This individual has always taken the easier road. We could have said, "We knew it. You should have been more disciplined. You should have taken this more seriously."
Imagine the harm that would have caused when they'd already carried this for years alone. Discipline was not the root issue. It took us listening to find the root issue.
How often do we listen to ourselves? How often do we find the root cause, the unmet needs within ourselves?
Take a moment: What would you say to someone you love who is struggling the exact same way you are?
Questions for Deeper Understanding
Maybe you're starting to see your own patterns - the things that keep showing up, habits that feel frustrating or confusing, parts of you that feel stuck.
What if the invitation isn't to try harder, be more disciplined, or get better habits? Because if you could, you would. Maybe it's to understand yourself a little better. Until we identify the root, no amount of willpower will create lasting change.
Reflection questions:
• What is one behavior you keep repeating and judge yourself for?
• If you weren't judging yourself, what unmet need might that behavior be trying to meet?
• When in your life have you hidden something out of shame or fear of judgment, and how has that affected you?
• Who is one safe person you could share a struggle with to take shame out of the dark?
• What would it feel like to approach yourself with curiosity and compassion instead of criticism?
• If you were advising someone you loved who struggled exactly like you, what would you say?
• What small step could you take this week to better understand or meet a need behind a stuck behavior?
Four Practical Ways to Uncover What Gets in the Way
1. Shift Judgment to Curiosity
Start listening to your self-talk. Notice phrases like "What's wrong with me?" or "Why do I keep doing this?" or "I should have this figured out by now."
Shift any judgment about yourself into curiosity: What are your needs? What's the behavior providing right now? What are your deeper, unmet needs? What do you want that you don't have? When we shift from judgment to curiosity, we open possibilities to understand ourselves better.
2. Name That Unmet Need
Is it comfort? Connection? Rest? Safety? Control? Peace? What is your behavior trying to communicate? What are you needing that you haven't understood about yourself yet?
There's this false pleasure, this false way of providing for that unmet need - but that unmet need never quite gets satisfied.
3. Bring It Into the Light
You don't have to tell people who'll say you need more discipline or add to your shame pile. Just one safe person can loosen shame's grip.
Brené Brown teaches that shame thrives in secrecy and silence. It grows in the dark. But when we bring our struggles into the light, when we speak them out loud, shame begins to lose its power.
When we talk about our weaknesses, faults, and needs, it's vulnerable. Vulnerability creates connection and helps us realize we're all very similar. We all struggle with things.
4. Practice Compassion as a Strategy
Some of you might think, "If I'm compassionate with myself, I'll just stay in these behaviors." But compassion actually creates the safety required for change and growth.
Fascinating research: A study split women into two groups and gave them donuts before the experiment. The control group then entered a room with candy and took as much as they wanted. They later reported feeling ashamed and disappointed, with lots of negative self-talk.
The intervention group received self-compassion after eating donuts: "I hope you're not going to be so hard on yourself. Everybody eats unhealthily sometimes, and everyone in this study eats this stuff."
Then they entered the candy room. The result? The group exposed to self-compassion intervention ate significantly less candy than the control group.
Compassion helps us make better decisions. It doesn't let us off the hook - it creates the safety we need to grow.
You're Not Broken
There's nothing wrong with you. We're all human. We all struggle. You're not broken - you're adaptive.
When you understand what's really getting in the way, change becomes possible. Take time to reflect on these questions. Be gentle with yourself and notice what comes up.
Ready to explore the deeper needs behind your stuck behaviors? Listen to the full episode of Wellness Mastery with Jen Hoyer for more insights on moving beyond discipline to true transformation.
Listen to Episode 41: Every Behavior Comes From a Need
Comments