Confidence is an Inside Job: Building True Self-Assurance for Your Wellness Journey

Confidence propels us forward. We're drawn to confident people. We want to be like confident people. But why?

Often, we get it wrong. We think confident people are just good at everything, never have bad days, and overcome every obstacle with ease. But the truth is simpler and more attainable: they're just good at building their confidence from the inside.

You too can be confident when you do it the genuine way.

Two Types of Confidence

There are two distinct types of confidence: true confidence and superficial confidence. Understanding the difference is crucial for your wellness journey and your life.

True Confidence: The Foundation That Lasts

True confidence is an inner sense of self-assurance and belief in your abilities that is rooted in a realistic understanding of your strengths and weaknesses. It is stable and resilient, not easily shaken by external circumstances or opinions.

Characteristics of True Confidence:

Self-Awareness: True confidence comes from a deep understanding of yourself, including strengths, weaknesses, values, and beliefs. You know who you are, what you stand for, and what you're working on.

Resilience: It remains strong in the face of challenges and failures because it's based on an internal belief system rather than external validation. When life knocks you down, true confidence helps you get back up.

Authenticity: True confidence allows you to be genuine and authentic, without feeling the need to impress or conform to others' expectations. You can show up as yourself in any situation.

Growth Mindset: It's associated with believing in your ability to learn and improve through effort and perseverance. You're not threatened by what you don't know because you trust you can learn.

Consistent Behavior: People with true confidence display consistent self-assurance in various situations, regardless of external feedback or opinions. You're the same person whether someone praises or criticizes you.

Humility: True confidence includes the ability to acknowledge and learn from mistakes and to give credit to others without feeling diminished. You don't need to be perfect to feel worthy.

Superficial Confidence: The House Built on Sand

Superficial confidence is an outward show of self-assurance that is often dependent on external factors, such as appearance, status, achievements, or others' approval. It tends to be fragile and can easily crumble under pressure or criticism.

Characteristics of Superficial Confidence:

External Validation: Superficial confidence relies heavily on praise, approval, and validation from others. Without constant reinforcement, it wavers.

Inconsistency: It can vary greatly depending on the situation or the company, leading to inconsistent behavior and reactions. You might feel confident in one setting but insecure in another.

Impression Management: People with superficial confidence often focus on managing others' perceptions and maintaining a specific image. The focus becomes performance rather than authenticity.

Defensiveness: Superficial confidence can lead to defensiveness and a fear of criticism or failure, as these threaten the person's carefully constructed self-image.

Short-Lived: This type of confidence is often temporary and needs constant reinforcement from external sources. It's exhausting to maintain.

Surface-Level Achievements: It is usually built on superficial accomplishments and can lack depth or a sense of true fulfillment.

The Roller Coaster of External Validation

When we rely on external circumstances, situations, or people to tell us how we should feel about ourselves, we'll always end up on a roller coaster of self-worth.

Let me share an example from my own life. Two events happened in the same week: I ran into a friend I haven't seen for years who gushed about how great I looked, and I taught a class where someone criticized my lesson.

If I'm not actively managing my confidence internally, you can see how those two events could have sent me on a roller coaster ride, up then down. But true confidence keeps you steady regardless of external feedback.

The Confidence Continuum

Think of a continuum with two unhealthy extremes and a healthy middle ground.

One End: Pride and Arrogance

This end is fear-based, trying to cover up insecurities. It's usually full of comparison and looking outward for validation.

This is the side that leads to behaviors like showboating, posting on social media about all the cool things we're doing and accomplishing without showing the entire picture of the struggles. It involves trying to control others' opinions about you, fishing for compliments, and focusing on receiving approval and praise from others instead of from yourself.

Other End: Shame and Feeling Less Than

This end is also fear-based, with insecurities on full display. It's full of comparison and looking outward to confirm your worst beliefs about yourself.

This is the side where we hide or become the victim and blame others. We feel less than and want to lash out or hurt others because we're hurting inside.

You can see that neither extreme is a healthy or happy place to be. You might find yourself swinging between both sides at different times.

The Middle: True Confidence

Where we want to be is in the middle. In the middle is true confidence, seeing myself and everyone around me as equal in value, just different.

This is where peace lives. This is where you can show up authentically without needing to prove anything or hide anything.

Three Ways to Build True Self-Confidence

Ferocious Self-Acceptance

This means embracing all of you: strengths and weaknesses, the ups and downs, the successes and the failures.

Ferocious self-acceptance isn't passive tolerance. It's actively choosing to see yourself clearly and love what you see, not despite your imperfections but including them. It's the willingness to guard and fight for your right to be imperfect and still worthy.

When you practice ferocious self-acceptance in your wellness journey, you stop waiting until you lose weight to feel worthy. You recognize your worth now, which paradoxically makes sustainable change easier because you're caring for yourself from love rather than shame.

Self-Awareness of Your Inner Environment

When we're in the middle of the confidence continuum, we have clear thoughts. We're not trying to figure out what others think of us. We're aware of our own inner landscape.

When we're always in our heads thinking about what others feel or think about us, we know we're on one end of the continuum or the other, but not in the middle.

Get good at becoming aware of what you're thinking about, especially in social interactions. True confidence is more outward-facing than inward-facing because you're not constantly monitoring yourself.

Here's an important insight: every interaction with people actually tells us more about them than it does about us. We learn about them as they interact and say things to us. Their reactions reflect their experiences, beliefs, and patterns, not your worth.

Another clue about where you are on the continuum is how you're feeling about others. The more judgmental we are about others, the more it reveals about how we feel about ourselves. Judgment is often projection.

Curiosity for Self and Others

Approach yourself and others with curiosity rather than judgment. When something goes wrong in your wellness journey, instead of beating yourself up, get curious: "What thoughts were running through my mind? What was I feeling? What need was I trying to meet?"

When someone criticizes you or gives unexpected feedback, get curious about them: "What might they be experiencing that led to this reaction?" This isn't about making excuses; it's about staying grounded in your own worth while understanding that other people's reactions are about them.

Curiosity keeps you in the learning zone rather than the shame zone. It keeps you growing rather than defending.

Your Confidence Foundation

Building true confidence is essential for your wellness journey because every healthy choice you make either reinforces or undermines your sense of self.

When you have true confidence, you don't need the scale to validate your worth. You don't need perfect eating or flawless workouts to feel good about yourself. You recognize that you're worthy of care and respect right now, exactly as you are, while also believing in your capacity to grow and change.

This is the foundation that makes lasting transformation possible. Not superficial confidence that crumbles when things get hard, but true confidence that says "I'm worth taking care of, and I'm capable of learning what I need to learn."

Ready to build true confidence from the inside out? Listen to the full episode of Wellness Mastery with Jen Hoyer for more insights on developing genuine self-assurance that supports your wellness transformation.

Listen to Episode 2: Confidence is an Inside Job